2010 RACES
EUROPE
“That’s the beauty, in many ways, of no testing, isn’t it? We turn up to a Grand Prix and we wonder what we’re gonna get for the weekend, and it changes every time. It’s brilliant!”
“There’s a new level of confidence and patience in Lewis Hamilton’s driving. He’s not chasing the back end all over the road. I don’t know if he’s learned some of that from Jenson or he’s learning and maturing himself, but Hamilton is really driving beautifully at the moment.”
“He gets a big dollop of opposite lock on the way out.”
“The teams do like you to spin off occasionally and lock your brakes to show you’re somewhere near the limit, but I’ve never known one to want you to crash the car to find out how fast it really will go!”
“We’re at the back of the grid, Eddie. We’ve experienced that in our careers, haven’t we?”
“The well-known Irish driver, Tim O’Glock here!”
(Glock gives Martin a Germany team football shirt)
Martin: “I think you’ve got more chance of winning this race than they have of winning the match! [This shirt] is really soft – I can polish my car with that!”
“You never want to fly in a Formula 1 car.”
“Vettel was so slow, he almost caught himself out.”
“Tell you what: that drive-through lost us a great fight today between Vettel and Hamilton. That would have been a cracker.”
(Talking about Webber’s car taking off)
“Red Bull definitely gave him wings.”
“Kobayashi’d be my Driver of the Day.”
CANADA
“We’ve seen [the surface] breaking up in previous years but whatever they’ve put down now has all of the qualities of polished marble.”
“We do love it – all tracks beginning with ‘M’: Montreal, Melbourne, Monaco ... let’s pretend Magny Cours doesn’t exist ... Monza ...”
(Vettel sits in the garage with his eyes closed)
“Yes, you basically stare at the back of your eyelids and paint a racetrack on ‘em.”
“It launches the car and you lose half a metre while you’re flying.”
“[Maybe] they think, ‘Let’s start tomorrow on the tyre that’s a bit chewing gummy, they’re gonna fall apart’.”
“Jenson Button power-sliding through a corner? It just doesn’t happen.”
“Liuzzi – that’s a career-saving performance from him. Stunning. Well done.”
Ron Dennis: “You should try retirement, Martin. I’m not, but you should be!”
Martin: “That’s what you told me in ’94 when I was driving for you!”
“We’re gonna work hard this afternoon following this lot!”
“I think he’ll be singularly unimpressed with that, but then Michael Schumacher never did yield, and I don’t think he’s ever intending to start now. ... That was bordering on very naughty from Michael Schumacher.”
(Glock’s engineers work underneath his empty car in the pit box)
“Almost looks like the driver’s fallen out of the bottom of the car and they’re looking for him, doesn’t it?!”
“You have to treat the back of Michael Schumacher’s car like the back end of a donkey today. I think he’s driven appallingly, frankly – poor on the grid and poor in the race.”
TURKEY
“I think he could be there or thereabouts on race day.”
“They will expect to easily clear Qualifying 1 on anything that keeps the wheel rims off the ground, basically.”
“I think it’s called the F-duct because that’s where the ‘f’ of ‘Vodafone’ fitted on the front of their car. I think they’re quite amused that everybody refers to it as that.”
“Our track guide’s with Heikki tomorrow. He’s just on a happy pill all day long – he’s so relaxed!”
(A clever camera angle of Alonso in the pits)
“Moody shot, but we wanna see the action, please.”
“He’s making mistakes, other than being a miserable little so-and-so to interview.”
“They’re all trying to copy the McLaren [F-duct] but they’re trying to add it on afterwards like a set of mudflaps on a dodgy used car. This car needs it, though – it’s barely quick enough to get out of its own way down the straight.”
“Tell you what: I think if Hamilton passes Webber, then he’s got a faster car.”
(Martin practises stating the bleedin’ obvious!)
“Formula 1 cars are like driving an E-type Jag: you’ve really not got a lot of idea where the front of them is.”
“Thanks for the weather update, Tango Echo Delta.”
“You can tell that [Red Bull] pair anything you like; they’re gonna do what they want right now.”
(Prophetic words indeed.)
“I’ve lied to the audience for fourteen years now about it’s always just about to rain according to Formula 1.”
“If (Vettel) thinks his team mate messed up, he could come and throw his crash helmet at him as he comes past the pits or something – give us a bit of fun!”
“That’s the least excited I’ve seen Lewis Hamilton look for winning any motor race. No idea why.”
MONACO
“[The drivers] should stop moaning and get on with it. ... They need to get out there and find a gap.”
“We talk about being on the side of the track. I wish I could take each and every one of you down there. It’s just special. When you’re making your ‘Things To Do Before I Die’ list, make sure you put on, ‘Stand beside the racetrack during a session when Formula 1 cars are going round’. It’s just mind-blowing.”
“Try to hit the barrier on the inside, then you won’t.”
“The pit straight, which is anything but straight.”
(Rosberg is fastest in the first two sectors, then hits traffic)
“Welcome to street racing!”
“What happened to the Kobayashi who was so stunning in the last two races last year? Where did he go?”
“Full marks for trying. Full marks for keeping it out of the hedge, too!”
“Petrov didn’t trouble the racing line into Mirabeau.”
“Schumacher was pretty committed this morning for an old geezer.”
“It’s too much like a skateboard, that Toro Rosso; it’s too stiff.”
“Full lock, his arms completely crossed. You won’t pass your driving test like that.”
Martin: “You’re one of the stewards here this weekend, Damon. Have you made any money?”
Damon Hill: “No, I haven’t managed to fine any of these guys yet; they’re all too good.”
Martin: “Are you wishing you were still on the grid?”
Damon: “You can’t help it, can you, Martin? You’re never gonna lose the love of what it was like, but we’re too old now, mate, you know?!”
Martin: “Sad, but true!”
Martin: “Hello, Tanya, how are you today?”
Tanya from Sky Sports: “I’m fine! We are not meeting each other at an interview, thank God!”
Martin (to us): “I’m Mr. Popular there, as you can tell!”
“I’m actually lost on the grid now. We need signposts to find out where we are.”
“Gerard Butler – he beat me and Eddie Jordan to the Sexiest Man in the World back in 2005. All the girls in the TV compound insisted that I found you. I’m looking for J.Lo myself!”
“I’m gonna go and find myself something sweet called the Sugababes ... That’s the little Spanish girl who kicks my legs if I ask any questions when she’s around ... Right, where are the Sugababes? There are the Sugababes! How can you trip over three Sugababes and not notice?!”
“I dunno who painted the green stripes on the Bridgestones this weekend but they had a big party the night before, I think – there’s some quite wonky ones.”
“Di Grassi well out of shape in the tunnel. That’s terrifying to watch, let alone to drive.”
“He didn’t gain a place, but he failed to lose a place, which is just as significant.”
“Good slo-mo stuff, as we always get round here ... I’ve seen better than that one, to be honest.”
“Chandok putting his hand up to protect his head, which won’t do much good with six hundred kilos bearing down on you.”
SPAIN
“Jenson can’t compute oversteer.”
“I tell you what: Qualifying 2 is gonna be immense.”
“Sebastian Vettel, who usually likes to play Dare with the clock, is out already.”
“Five times the force of gravity as you hit the brakes; your vital organs crash against the inside of your ribs, it seems; your eyeballs want to pop out at that moment.”
“I’m not sure I’d wanna be upside down in that Mercedes with that blade rollover bar.”
(On concerns about Ferrari drivers having both hands off the steering wheel at times) Eddie Jordan: “It’s a little bit of a scam or a little bit of scaremongering by McLaren and the other teams, surely – isn’t that the case?”
Martin: “No, it’s the case of that’s exactly my point of view. I haven’t heard a word from those guys.”
“I’d better mind the pitlane. There’s plenty of washed-up old racing drivers they could replace me with.”
“If you were dreaming about being on pole position in Formula 1, the last drivers you’d want behind you [would be] Vettel, Hamilton, Alonso, Button and Schumacher. How about that for a line-up to keep you awake the night before a Grand Prix?”
“I dunno if [race engineer] Rob Smedley gets part of a driver’s salary but he seems to do as much of the driving of that car as Felipe sometimes!”
(In-car footage of Buemi bouncing over speed bumps at the side of the track)
“Ooh, nasty! Remember you’re sitting on the floor of the car – it brings tears to your eyes.”
“It’s a team of two but a class of one.”
“It’s not often you hear that, is it: ‘Michael’s holding everybody up’!”
“At least all four wheels are pointing more or less in the same direction at the moment.”
(Quote submitted by Andy Farrington)
“He started the race virtually on the grass, and it’s just got worse since then.”
“Alonso does the fastest lap of the race. Don’t ask me to explain that!”
(All the timing computers go off)
“I can hear Murray Walker at home saying, ‘You see?! What you need is a man at the back of the commentary box doing a lap chart with a stopwatch and then you would know!’ But we mostly make it up anyway, so it doesn’t matter too much.”
“I bet Alonso was really hurting to see Hamilton in the hedge(!)”
“See, the drivers should all talk to us on the grid, ‘cause they always win a race then. Lewis is missing a trick here. He won’t talk – he thinks it’s bad karma, you know, but [then] his front tyre fails. He should talk on the grid!”
CHINA
Martin: “I have to say, that [Hispania car] looks terrifying to drive. That deserves a point just for getting that round.”
Jonathan: “They’re talking about needing an experienced driver. You’re not gonna offer yourself as an experienced driver?”
Martin: “I’m busy that day, I think.”
“It rattles [your confidence] a bit when both the front wheels fall off at a couple of hundred miles an hour, but I thought (Buemi) was pathetic in his press release having a run at the team, forgetting he’s handed them back so many cars that are good for the skip only.”
Martin: “[The drivers] do like to beat up on Lewis.”
Jonathan: “Why’s that?”
Martin: “He’s too fast!”
“Let’s agree not to talk about rain. ‘Maybe it’s gonna rain.’ It never seems to do what they forecast it’s gonna do!”
“The man they call the new Schumacher, but is really the new Sebastian Vettel.”
“They just all seem completely unruly and out of control today!”
“Michael with armfuls of oversteer.”
“That was dangerously close to two moves there from Nico Rosberg but I think he’ll say, ‘Hey, it’s against Lewis who doesn’t seem to play by the rules in that respect’.”
“I’m pretty sure that if Lewis gets a penalty for the pitlane incident, it will be a grid drop in Barcelona – if we ever get there!”
(Volcanic ash from Iceland grounds all flights into Europe)
“It’s always difficult to know where to park a Ferrari, but on the outside of a hairpin on the outside of Michael Schumacher in the rain is not one of them.”
“I can’t begin to explain to you how hard it is to keep those cars on the road when they’ve got no rubber left on a damp track and wet in places. The skill these guys have got, the feel, the sixth sense of how hard they can press the throttle to unleash more than seven hundred horsepower and just try to keep this thing pointing in the right direction – tremendous. Thoroughly enjoyed that race and fully appreciate just how brilliant they’ve been out there today.”
(Trying to eavesdrop on the top three as they talk behind the podium)
Jonathan: “Pick anything out?”
Martin: “I can’t hear, but I’m sure they’ve got fifty stories to tell each.”
Martin: “This is one of my least favourite Grands Prix anyway, so the thought of being stuck here for another week doesn’t appeal to me very much!”
Anthony Davidson (glumly): “Try having your birthday here!”
MALAYSIA
“Noah could well have come from these parts of the world ‘cause when it rains here, it’s pretty immense.”
(Buemi skids across the gravel and then tiptoes along the back edge)
“He can make it straight through to the pitlane from there and pretend nothing happened if he wants.”
“[Race engineer] Andrew Shovlin never thought he’d be telling Michael Schumacher to be careful!”
“At the moment Hamilton is on the back row of the grid unless he can produce some kind of magic and literally walk on water.”
“I love those races where the grid’s all mixed up! Bring it on!”
“Ambition well ahead of adhesion.”
“He looks like he’s fighting an octopus in there, he’s moving the steering wheel so much.”
“Always aim it for where the [spinning car in front of you] is, because by the time you get there it’s usually gone.”
“If they pass Go, they might collect a grid position today.”
(As the red flag is thrown)
“Better safe than sorry, but it doesn’t feel very Formula 1 to me.”
“A standard thunderstorm [here] is when [the rain] only bounces six inches off the ground rather than a foot.”
Martin: “What time have you ordered the rain for?”
Bernie: “4.15. ... If it doesn’t rain, I want my money back.”
Martin: “And I want ten percent of it.”
“It’s stupidly easy to be able to run into another car on the formation lap.”
“That’s not the Alonso we know, love and despise, all at the same time.”
“They know that when a blue flag’s waved, they’ve got to jump out of the way like a naughty puppy dog.”
“He’s been trying to get past Massa for about eight days now!”
Rob Smedley (crooning over the radio as Massa overtakes Button): “Good boy. Beautiful!”
Martin (laughing): “If I came back to Formula 1, he’s the engineer I’d want. He’s just a top man!”
(Alonso’s engine grinds as his downshifting problem gets worse)
“Oh dear. There’s one in there somewhere, Fernando.”
“Massa will lead the World Championship – as he did for twenty seconds in 2008.”
(DC notes how Alonso kept the hammer down even after he knew that his engine was going to fail)
“Yeah, I dunno what the Spanish for ‘Fix that, guys’ is, but I would imagine he was saying that.”
(Martin is caught on the phone partway through the Forum)
“Sorry, that was my son calling me. He’s racing at Alton Park this weekend and he doesn’t know I’m still on the telly.”
AUSTRALIA
“You can’t see in those ridiculous mirrors parked outboard on the side pods.”
“When you’re constantly looking at your team mate’s data across the garage, you’re in trouble.”
“Hurry up and wait through the hairpins.”
“It doesn’t hurt when you crash on PlayStation.”
“His first sector a 28.3, which is decidedly not very fast.”
“He’s on a set of tyres that’s beginning to cry, ‘Enough’.”
Jonathan: “This isn’t gonna be good enough unless he suddenly gets a turbo on the way.”
Martin: “A shortcut, he needs now!”
“Turn 8 is eat your sandwiches and think about something else.”
Vettel (over radio): “Oh, gracious! We will show them!”
Martin: “You already showed us. If there was a University of Formula 1, that would be a case study.”
“I thought we might stand more of a chance of finding some drivers here at the poorer, happier end of the grid.”
(Pointing to a sponsor’s name on Petrov’s sleeve)
“I never thought I’d see the word ‘Lada’ in Formula 1. We used to sell those when I was a kid in my dad’s garage. We’d guarantee them off the edge of the forecourt and watch the customer disappear through the letterbox.”
(Quote submitted by Craig Daniels)
“That’s the stupid mirrors again. That was zero percent Jenson’s fault.”
“Schumacher won’t appreciate all the Formula Ford barging around.”
“It’s so boring, this Formula 1!! That’s what I hate about it!”
“Massa just gave him the space. It was like an invitation to pass, and Hamilton RSVPed immediately. And Alonso, too busy watching them, gets mugged by Webber.”
“Kobayashi’s front wing was off – not for the first time this weekend – then he just did a toboggan and was heading straight to the scene of the accident.”
(Quote submitted by Craig Daniels)
“That would be a mother and father of a shunt if those two connected on Turn 12.”
“If I hadn’t heard that myself, I wouldn’t have believed it – an engineer having to tell a driver how to drive.”
“Three things will win Jenson the race: the smooth driving style, no doubt about it; Vettel and his problems; and ... I can’t remember the third one!”
Jonathan: “He’s in the lead!”
Martin: “Yeah, exactly!”
(Alonso’s engineer radios how close Hamilton is getting behind him)
Alonso: “I don’t want to know.”
Martin (laughing): “I’ve said that myself a few times!”
“It’s a pathetic feeling when your tyres are gone: you can’t brake, you can’t turn, you can’t get on the throttle pedal; you just feel helpless.”
“You don’t win a world championship and all the races (Jenson)’s done by not being one of the world’s great racing drivers. But it was interesting to hear Lewis losing his head in the middle of that: ‘My tyres have grained,’ ‘Nothing we can do,’ ‘Why did you pull me in?’ is not a discussion to have while you’re trying to pass the Ferraris.”
“(Vettel) must be on some kind of happy pill, ‘cause he’s slapping the team on the back on the pitwall.”
BAHRAIN
“I would analyse (Schumacher)’s driving as a tenth of a second behind the car.”
“I have to say, 190 miles an hour in a brand new car – certainly one like Chandhok [is driving] – I’d have my toes crossed, my fingers crossed, and my lucky underwear on.”
“I’ve always been a fan of Nico Rosberg – and I’ve felt like a lone ranger from time to time – but he’s a very, very good little driver.”
“It’s difficult to understand the whole Sauber business – not only its name, BMW Sauber with a Ferrari engine!”
“The Ferrari seems to ride [that bump on Turn 6] like a Rolls Royce, if that makes any sense.”
“When Michael made his decision to come back, he didn’t expect to be four, five tenths behind Nico Rosberg, and that’s why he’s had a bit of a grumpy face on.”
“Whichever lap you do your fastest time on [in Qualifying], you start the race on that very set of tyres. Flat-spot them into a corner so they’re like a fifty-pence piece, tough luck.”
“I tell you what: it’d be a big own goal for Formula 1 if half the top ten chose not to run so they’ve got freedom of choice on tyres tomorrow. That’ll be a bit of an anticlimax, won’t it?”
Jonathan: “They’re all out.”
Martin: “Good!”
“Look at this beautiful new Safety Car, the SLS; very sexy. Tell you what’s not sexy: this could be the Gridwalk from hell.”
Crown Prince of Bahrain: “There’s one bump in particular I wanna get out of the road by next year.”
Martin: “No, we need bumps in the track! The drivers would all like to sit on a billiard table with a PlayStation rig! Put a few more bumps in, I would say!”
“I’m gonna see if I can find a pedaller ... oh, not a pedlar, a pedaller who drives racing cars!”
“Plenty going on down [on the grid], not least the TV girl who was kicking my legs every time I asked Alonso a question.”
“I tell you what: this is gonna be a tough race for the drivers. They’re driving the cars every part of the way. It may sound silly, but when they used to have traction control or other devices or came in for fresh tyres so they constantly had better tyres on ... they are gonna have to drive the piece of tarmac they are on, not necessary looking down the road waiting for the electronics to sort it out.”
(Ted reports that Jenson has been asked to “make up some time”)
“Sounds like a polite message to the reigning World Champion to get on with it a bit, actually.”
(Webber overtakes Buemi)
Jonathan: “A bit of Aussie grit, as per his Twitter feed.”
Martin: “Bit of Sebastien Buemi remembering who pays him, as well.”
“The new Cosworth V7 engine.”
(Just as Senna pulls up with his car sounding terrible) [Quote submitted by Mark Barton]
“Switch it off, son.”
(Bruno does so, then lifts his visor)
“That scares me. That looks like Ayrton. Didn’t scare me, but it stopped me in my tracks.”
“The strange thing is – and I’ve done this in Le Mans – you get another problem and it distracts you, because Vettel’s starting to miss apexes, and you go even more slowly than you need to go because your attention goes to a different problem.”
(Webber goes wide)
“Whoa! Come back!”
“Alonso’s having a laugh out front. Completely different formula he’s driving in there.”
“Alonso out in the new section with the camels and the cactus.”
(Alonso takes a tear-off from his visor on the final lap)
“Doing a bit of housework in there: ‘Let’s get a clear visor so I can see the flag even better’.”
“Italy has a new hero; Spain already has one.”
Jonathan: “Was this your Driver of the Day, would you say, Fernando Alonso, or did the race just come to him, really?”
Martin: “It’s difficult to know, isn’t it, whether Vettel would have held him off or not. The difference between a good driver and a great driver is: great drivers win races in cars that shouldn’t win races, and are not necessarily the quickest car on the grid, and that’s what Vettel can do. I think Ferrari had potentially the better car here, but Vettel had them covered, and saved fourth place, so I’d give it to Vettel, but Alonso just looked supreme, didn’t he?”
(On the issue of former racing drivers becoming part of the stewards’ panel and whether they can be impartial)
“It’s like when you’re called up for jury service. You have a responsibility; it’s not about who your old mates were. Your decisions are gonna be super-analysed from every angle and so you’re not gonna come up with some crazy decision just because it suits your old mates. I heard a silly thing once: ‘No, we’re not having drivers in there because after a few years they’re gonna forget what it was like.’ Well, they’re gonna forget a lot less than somebody who’s never driven a racing car.”
(A viewer emails the Red Button Forum asking if Alonso is the favourite for the championship after just one race)
“I thought he was the title favourite before the race. I love Felipe Massa – I think he’s a gorgeous little man – but he’s got a challenge on his hands to match that man now.”
Jake: “First race of the year. Enjoyed it? Good fun?”
Martin: “It was all right. I’m looking for a bit more excitement next time out!”